What was 2008?

This gets really personal, so if you don’t want to read, you can spare yourselves. It’s just a collection of thoughts and moments I’ve had from this year, and I need to get better about sharing this stuff. Some of it is disturbing, some of it is morbid, and some of it’s both. Regular art/entertainment content resumes tomorrow.

Back a few months ago, on some podcast, one of the people asked if this year was going to be called 200-Great, or 200-Hate. Of course, nothing is ever really that clear cut. But, it’s a funny enough joke, and I find that a lot of the stories I have from this year have bits of both. I guess that’s this hindsight thing. So we’re gonna start with the nasty drama stories, and then I’m going to get into more positive things. I’ll put HAPPY STARTS HERE when that time arrives.

I guess the largest story I have from this year is watching a bridge burn. Figuratively, of course- although I did set a Christmas tree on fire for my birthday, and that was awesome. Anyways, I’m going to try to put this as diplomatically as possible: At the end of last year, I tried a vaguely more intimate relationship with a friend of mine of many, many years. She was a vice and a muse all at once, and for a brief amount of time, our wavelengths clicked and we probably understood each other better than we ever had for that nice amount of time. Then, the bloom fell off the rose, and issues started appearing- I’m not afraid to admit I’m needy, and she lost her patience with this. I, on the other hand, lost my patience with the walls she put up keeping people from helping her or being a part of her life. These fights got a lot harsher, and after the explosion at the end of it, she decided it wasn’t working and I reluctantly agreed. We tried to remain friends for a while, but things got more awkward. I began to alienate her inner circle- in one instance, rather suddenly after a traumatic event which I’ll get to later- and we grew a little more distant. There was a hopeful period for a few weeks there, and then she did something- the exact details of what aren’t worth recapping, but they’re not really bad- and we had a lesser fight over it. A few days later, I asked if I was out of second chances, and she said “You have fucked up royally, yes.” So I took that to mean yes, and decided not to grovel .We grew further apart. Then, she started sniping at me- even though I reminded her she’s the only one with malice- and trying to get me to argue with her. Eventually, when her friends started in on it- one of them justifiably, I’ll confess- I just left the little community they called home.

I’m still trying to figure out what to make of it. I’m getting better at recognizing when something isn’t working, at least, and when I shouldn’t be somewhere. At the same time, it’s taught me a lot of really key lessons; that I have to be my own support base, whatever that entails. Some people just don’t want to hear it, and I’m an exceptionally melancholy man, so streaming that into anyone’s life can wear a little thin. I also got a chance to see what being needlessly oppositional looks like from the other side of things, and I’m guilty of that, so I’m doing my best to change it. I’ve learned there are parts of my personality that absolutely need to stay hidden, because people won’t really understand them. Well, okay, they will understand, since they’re not complicated ideas, but they’re undesirable ideas. Thirdly, NEVER to discuss my aesthetic and my songwriting- lyric writing especially- with anyone, ever again. She was an illustrator, and our artistic ideas wildly clashed, which was often where friction came in as “what you like sucks” turned into “you suck” in pretty short order. Over all, the experience has left a huge empty hole in my life, and I’d lie if I said things like “I don’t miss her” or “I‘m not mad at her”, but I know I can’t go back there. I’m learning things from looking into that hole, and I’m starting to fill it up.

No good transition, sorry. The second major event in my life is that the man who bought me my first bass, and encouraged me to make music, is dying of cancer right now. He is quite a man, as well. I don’t know how much of his story I really should tell, but I would say he’s lived a full life for sure. His voice has a real rasp to it now that haunts me when I think about him. Although, he still looks healthy, but he’s just recently started chemotherapy, so that’s probably changed. My mother has come completely unglued and vulnerable because of this, a little more immediately than she did when my father died- which she’s only now started to grieve, four years after the fact. I understand why, though; she’s known my uncle- her older brother- her whole life, and this is a very trying experience for her, and for me. The man had saved my soul, and, frankly, if it wasn’t for my music- and two of my friends (my brother from another mother, and my now-ex)- I would be a teenage suicide statistic.

He’s trusted me to record his songs. Two other family members as well- one a music major, and I’m not sure why the third, because I’ve never heard her make music- but I share some of this burden. I’m not sure if he knows what I make, or how I do things, but he has a vague idea of what interests me in music, and yet he trusts me anyways. This is going to be my rite of passage as a musician- as an artist- and I live in terror the day I get my hands on those songs. I guess the upside- morbid as it may be- is that he won’t really be able to rip me apart if I do something wrong.

Let’s move on before that gets more awkward.

The last negative, downer, trauma story I have was getting to watch my first act of brutality, and knowing it was my fault! Hi, Mai. So I took a weight training class in the spring, because I needed .5 more of a PE credit for my GE degree. Everything was going well, if boringly, until I figured out that the leg curl machine jammed. I asked a teacher about it, and he showed me how to unjam it. It involved kicking the jammed part, and it made the leg curl part swing outwards violently. So the second time this happens, there’s two people in front of the machine. In a severe miscalculation of both trajectory and judgment, I kick the thing and it flies outwards and hits someone in the knee. Not just someone. Probably the nicest girl in the whole class. I mean, she was all smiles and could talk about anything. And I almost shattered her kneecap, like a real ladies man.

The day of the incident was sort of rough, when the teacher wasn’t sure who was at fault. She had to be taken to an ambulance. My mind and nerves just went completely haywire, and I left early. The teacher, being the most awesome man in the world, and someone who I really owe a severe amount of gratitude to, didn’t count it as an absence, which I appreciated before I threw up in a trash can, and then ran to the bus stop and got on the bus, terrified a cop car would be swinging around to ask me if I was doing anything tonight, facetiously. This is when I suddenly alienated someone in the ex’s circle, by the way. I was trying to cool off, and made some joke about how McDonalds is about as good as no food at all. She got ready to preach about how I’ve never starved like she has, and I responded with “Tuck your suffering dick back in your pants, I don’t want to have a measuring contest today.” I did apologize for this, like, four months after it happened.

The next class, though, was just hysterical in all sorts of fashions. I was always the first one outside of the gym when it came time for class, and she was always second, along with a male friend of hers. She shows up the next class to show off her crutches and huge knee brace. She explained that the crutches, though, were optional, and that a doctor suggested it “if you really want to make him feel guilty.” We spent probably ten minutes just sharing all these gruesome injury stories and laughing, while the male friend did his warm ups and occasionally glared at me as if to say “her presence is all that keeps me from jabbing a knife in your side.” I just thought it was cute, and I can’t say I blame him.

Now, this class was taught by two teachers. The first teacher was a pretty standard issue high school football coach, down to the aviator glasses and thick mustache. The second teacher was a veteran coach and trainer, who was actually going to the Olympics with, I think, the volleyball team as a trainer. I only know of his background because I was sharing this story with another friend and when I mentioned his name, he said “Oh yeah, I remember him! He was awesome; he was my track coach back in High School.” Small world. Anyways, you could tell which of these teachers had something beyond this college job to fall back on. The guy didn’t say a damn thing to me during the whole class.

When the door opened, the leg curl machine was covered, top to bottom, in yellow tape, and it had a notice that the equipment needed to be removed on the front of it. I managed a small chuckle that I know he heard. And when the next teacher came around, he told me I was off the hook, since it was negligence on the part of the school as the machine had been broken a while. It just meant that the roofing project- something the other teacher was a big fan of getting done- had to be put on hold so equipment could be replaced. That’s probably my second favorite college story, behind my music theory class asking “what’s a fraction” and the following attempt to explain fractions to 20 year olds.

HAPPY STARTS HERE

Alright! Let’s stop fucking moping! What ruled about 2008?

This blog! I was able to just write for fun for a while, and while that fell off during the finals, it’ll be coming back in a big way next year. Click on the pictures to get the files, guys.

My podcast! Started on an indignant whim, Jastaz, Dave, and I have had a real blast making it. It’s something to look forward to doing and an avenue where I can talk about video games as much as I freaking want! We’re gearing up to do end of the year shit, which you can hear about on the next podcast, and we have even bigger, and better things in the future.

Music and video games! I’ve found more awesome shit in both fields this year than I did in any other year. For once, I agree with Pitchfork’s album of the year. I’ve played games online- Horde Mode from Gears of War 2 especially- with more people, and had more fun online than ever. I found ICO and had my world flipped completely upside down, then I got a blowjob while upside down, and landed on my feet content, happy, and kinda smelly.

Dick jokes!

The United States! That whole Barack Obama thing was great! Although I’m pretty bummed on all the gay marriage stuff.

My history professor, for being the realest motherfucker in the world.

One of the bridges I burned the year for got built up behind my back, and someone I previously assumed was completely fucking crazy is only mostly crazy!

Portal jokes are starting to go away, as is the goddamn song! Way to run it into the ground!

My buddy Chaz got back from his term in the navy all safe and shit!

And, most importantly, Giant Bomb Dot Com! It’s a website! About video games! Fucking coolest website in the history of the world! It’s this huge wiki exclusively about video game stuff, with editorial content from the staff from Gamespot that got fired/left in 2007. I wrote a humongous article about Fire ProWrestling Returns, and got featured on the front page the week after the site launched. There’s comic book and anime versions of this site, but fuck them! My heart belongs to Giant Bomb! And their chat channel is full of some of the nicest, best, and most fun people I’ve ever met and played games with. One of them even put some money towards my podcast on a whim. Rock on forever, Giant Bomb. So many shout outs to give. Goddamnit, I’m going to do it!

-Pepsiman, for putting up my huge wanky Fire Pro Returns article.

-Tanuki, for being my horde mode homie and also being a robot.
-Brukaoru, for laughing at my stupid jokes and being the podcast’s #1 fan.
-Motherfucking Matt Bodega, for being the world’s most excited man re; video games, and reminding me about how awesome games are.
-Casey, for having the best gamertag the world will ever see.

-Virago, for being so, so hot.

-Rowr and Johnny5, the Australian Kings of Power 4 Billion.

-MB, for being half financial backer, half dietician and all awesome.

-Everyone that had patience with me being the worst Gears player ever. You’re welcome for the shield idea.

-And, finally, most importantly of all… crab claw.